Do You Feel Used and Unappreciated in Your Relationship or Marriage?

Is there such a thing as giving too much? How can we decide what to do and not do for our partner? If you feel like you are always giving and not receiving, you may be giving too much. That sacrificial love of yours may actually be doing more harm than good. But how can you decide what to do and what not to do?

Should we just do the things we want to do? There are many things that we do for our partners that we don't want to do. Washing the dishes, taking out the trash, or going to work may be among them. If we stop doing these things, serious problems will result. Work is a necessary part of any relationship.

The unpleasantness of a task has little to do with the relationship. Usually, as soon as the work has been done, we are able to forget about it and move on. If you work for a company and they give you a paycheck, you don't keep thinking about last week's work. But, if they don't pay you, then you will feel cheated and used. Although not a job, we all have expectations of our partners. When these expectations are not met, we can feel used and cheated.

Loving sacrifice is not "loving" if it causes us to feel resentful or it adds to our feeling that our relationship is unfair. People have an inner sense of what is fair and when we start feeling things are unfair, we had better take action before it gets worse. Resentment, or that sense of unfairness , creates emotional distance and emotional distance kills relationships.

What actions can we take when we feel like we are giving much and getting little?

1. We can stop doing acts of meaningless sacrifice. What you are doing to show love to your partner may not even be important to your partner. Although it is something you might appreciate if your partner did it for you, it may not be part of your partner's love language. Not everyone wants a box of chocolates or to hear "I love you" at the end of every phone call. If doing things for your partner makes you resent your partner, then stop doing them!

2. We can tell our partner what we want. Most of the time we don't get what we want because we don't ask for what we want. What may seem like second nature to you may not even occur to your partner. If you are afraid to ask for what you want, then that is an assertiveness issue on your part. Thinking that you shouldn't have to ask may make you feel justified, but it won't help you to get what you want.

3. Negotiate. Negotiation is a normal part of any long term relationship. Negotiating everything could be a sign or trouble, but not negotiating at all is a sign of poor communication. Your partner and you have some different needs. "I'll pick up the kids tonight if you will make dinner," or "We can watch a movie you want this time if I can pick next time." Partners who were only children and who were pampered by their parents sometimes don't learn this kind of give and take. Making it explicit is a low conflict way to help yourself and your partner.

4. Use a mental or written checklist. When you are feeling resentful, ask yourself these questions: 1) Am I doing something that is really necessary?; 2) Have I let my partner know what I want or am I expecting my partner to "guess" what I want?; and 3) Have I tried negotiating this activity? If your answers are "no" to these questions, then you are being worse to yourself than your partner is.

A relationship, a true partnership, is many things. It is not purely emotional because there are many practical demands. It is not purely a matter of responsibilities because a relationship is not a just a job. It is not only a matter of management because a relationship is not just a business. However, a successful long term relationship has aspects of all three of these things: emotional, practical, and organizational. Using skills that pertain to these three components are vital to its success.

Relationship coaches teach more than 30 different skills related to relationship success. The extent to which you learn and use these skills is the extent to which your relationship can improve. Even learning one can make the difference between a relationship that gradually fades and one that stays vibrant. What you do today will determine what you get tomorrow.

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Reasons For Divorce; What Constitutes Viable Reasons For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce?

According to the Center for Disease Control's National Vital Statistics Report of 2002, 50% of first marriages ended in divorce and 60% of remarriages end in divorce. But, the Center for Disease Control also found that 96% of Americans express a personal desire for marriage, and almost three-quarters of Americans believe marriage is a life long commitment. I imagine that there are somewhat similar statistics worldwide.

With these kinds of statistics, its easy to see how complex it can be when people think they want a divorce, they have difficulty identifying how a truly viable divorce reason might be defined. Wanting happiness through marriage and wrestling with what may seem an inevitable outcome (a divorce), can be emotionally and mentally challenging. After all, it is human nature to want to feel nurtured and secure, no matter where you live!

So, if you're thinking about getting a divorce, what are truly viable reasons for actually getting a divorce?

Each government has different laws defining the difference between 'fault' and 'no-fault' divorce reasons that have enough merit that allow for the divorce to be granted. While it makes sense for you to keep this in mind when deciding whether or not to get a divorce because there may be financial considerations to think of, you should first focus on defining your own emotional or "personal" divorce reasons, regardless of what the local governing body says.

If you ask 100 people how they define viable reasons for wanting a divorce, you'll most likely get 100 different answers because they'll answer you from their perspective, not yours. Sure, there may be similarities to the way you feel in some of those answers about 'real' divorce reasons, you may even agree with some. But, the real answers to this question can only come from you. You have to figure out what reason or reasons would be viable in your mind in order to actually go through your decision about getting a divorce or staying married.

Some reasons that people give for getting a divorce, or wanting a divorce, are purely selfish and have no substance. An example of a reason for wanting a divorce that has no substance is not liking the fact that your spouse has constant unfounded jealousy. There is a deeper problem that exists here, and in the case of this example, it could be that the spouse who constantly feels jealousy has a confidence problem or some sort of 'fear of loss'. Whatever the case, the divorce reason in this example clearly isn't viable and should relatively easy to fix.

Often times when people give 'surface' or flimsy reasons for wanting a divorce, they really have much deeper feelings about something and they're just using the shallow divorce reason as an avoidance of some kind. Or, they give these 'foundation-less' reasons for wanting a divorce because they actually aren't aware that there are other deeper rooted reasons that are the cause of the way they feel now.

Common reasons that cause people to think about or want to get a divorce:

• Couple has conflicting personal beliefs
• Couple’s marital satisfaction decreases
• Desertion
• Adultery
• Cruel treatment
• Bigamy
• Imprisonment
• Spousal Indignities
• Institutionalization
• Irretrievable Breakdown of some kind

Of course, you should add your own reasons to the list for wanting a divorce, better yet, make your own list. Solid divorce reasons for wanting or going through a divorce usually come from some sort of occurrence, behavioral pattern, and/or change in the viewpoint of the marriage itself.

In order to really make a smart decision, you should first list the reasons that you have for wanting a divorce, then examine those divorce reasons for true viability. Then come back to it that list in a day or so. Chances are you will be able to scratch a few of those reasons for wanting a divorce off the list because they were identified purely from an emotional viewpoint rather than logic.

If you are thinking about getting a divorce, and haven't clearly identified what reasons you have for feeling the way you do, you'll be doing yourself a 'dis-service' if you act without carefully examining the viability each designated divorce reason. Everyone has their own reasons for wanting a divorce, make sure that you are certain that your reasons are truthfully viable to you before you act on them.
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Getting Rid of the Other Woman � How to Make Him Forget All About Her

After your husband cheats, all you can think about is getting rid of the other woman. You want to completely banish her from his brain. Of course, she is constantly on your mind. Your every thought seems to center around this other woman. If you don't know her or haven't seen her, it's even worse. Because then, the other woman is larger than life and something you can never hope to compete with. But, what if there was a way for you to make him forget all about her?



Sounds good doesn't it? Believe it or not, getting rid of the other woman has never been easier. Keep reading to find out what you need to do to make your cheating husband forget all about the woman he cheated on you with.



1) Become the better woman. Don't become just like the other woman. He's already had that. You want to go him one better. To do this, you need to sit down together and discuss what each of you wants and needs from the marriage. Once you know these things you can set about giving your husband the perfect wife (or the closest thing to it because there is no such thing as perfect in the real world we must all live in) he's been looking for. He can do the same for you.



2) Stop comparing yourself to the other woman. The odds are good that your husband isn't doing that so why on earth should you torture yourself that way? The two of you are never going to be able to move forward as a couple if there is always someone else – the other woman – sitting at the table with you. You'll never measure up in your mind. You'll never even need to try in his.



3) Let go of your anger. Do what you have to do to release the poison that anger can bring into your relationship. Go to church. Beat up on a punching bag. Eat a pint of Haagen Dazs. You cannot save your marriage while you're holding on to anger at your husband for cheating on you. When you forgive your husband, he'll have no reason to hang on to the other woman.



) Make your home your husband's shelter from the storm. Make your home his refuge. Make it the place he goes to escape the worries of the world and not a place where he discovers a whole new pile of worries.



These are all little steps that can make a big difference for the sake of your marriage. Do these now before you are faced with the added burden of trying to get your ex back.



Don't waste another minute or you risk missing out on the opportunity to save your marriage. There are many paths you can take but if you follow the one in this free video => http://www.magicofmakingup.com you are sure to find quick success in winning him back and banishing the other woman from his mind for good.


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How to Avoid Divorce - Negotiation Techniques to Stop Your Spouse From Filing For Divorce

Couples face problems all the time. Sometimes those problems lead to threats of separation and that's when things really get scary. Find out how to avoid divorce even if your spouse is adamant there's no way you can save the marriage.

When one spouse has it set in their mind that the only solution to their marital problems is divorce, it leaves the other spouse floundering. How can they save their marriage when their spouse won't agree to seek counseling or stop their race to court long enough to sort out their differences? Your spouse may be determined to get out of the marriage and you really want them to stay but it feels like you're trying to stop a speeding freight train with nothing more solid than a piece of tissue paper.

Believe it or not, you can pull out a few tactics that parents, politicians, and business leaders use all the time to encourage people to do something they don't want to do. It's called negotiation.

Negotiation is the act of achieving an agreement with another party. In the case of a potential divorce, your spouse wants out and you don't. While it appears impossible to come to any middle ground, it can be done. The trick is to negotiate not for your spouse to stop the divorce, but to negotiate for time. You want to stall the divorce from being filed so that you can carry out a side strategy for fixing your relationship. Your spouse does not have to know that yet. Focus on getting more time and slowing down any decision to file. It's much easier to get your spouse to agree to just put things off so you can think through all of the details responsibly if they believe you are being cooperative.

How to Avoid Divorce

Agree Divorce May be the Only Answer - If your spouse believes that divorce is the only solution, part of their rush to get it done is that they think you are going to make it difficult for them because they know you disagree. To gain time, let them see you agree with them that the problems in your marriage do appear to be so challenging that your spouse may be right.

This doesn't mean that you say, "Sure, you're right. Go ahead and file." Instead, say something like, "I realize our problems seem impossible and I completely understand why you've decided we should get a divorce." You don't stop there, though. The next statement you make is critical. You follow that statement with something like this, "My only concern is that I've heard about so many couples who lost a fortune because of divorce. We're better than that and I think we could find a way to work together to save ourselves a lot of headache, money, and time." Now, you're giving your spouse a reason to consider slowing down.

Establish a Team Approach - Once you've planted the seed for an alternative, agreeable approach to divorce, build an action plan together. Set the steps the two of you will research in order to find the best solution that allows the divorce to happen without losing a ton of money. For example, decide that you will research mediators together or read the same book on agreeable divorce strategies. Come up with anything that will take a week or two to cover, at the very least. There's a second strategy at play, here. Not only are you buying more time but now you're going to try to come across as an ally, a partner to your spouse. While it might seem counter-intuitive to be making plans for a divorce that you don't want to have happen, you are removing the feeling that you and your spouse are on opposite teams. This can help open the crack you need to start working out marital problems instead of divorce strategies.

Seek Relationship Help - Find a good book or counselor to help you work on your marital problems with the time you have bought yourself. You're rekindling the feeling of being a team with your spouse, now leverage that with some strategies that will show them you are the same person with whom they originally fell in love. If done correctly, your spouse will start to doubt their decision to pursue a divorce.

The more comfortable you make things for your spouse, the less likely they will be to rush their decision. Using negotiation to avoid divorce is a sensible strategy that applies time-tested techniques to a very delicate situation.
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Dealing With Infidelity - Do You Ever Get Over An Affair?

If you are in the throes of dealing with infidelity in your marriage, you may be wondering if you'll ever get to a point of having a healthy, loving relationship or is your relationship doomed for good. You will never forget the affair, it will always be a part of your history, but with time and commitment to rebuilding the marriage, not just time alone, time together, you can survive the affair.

If you are in a position of working to survive infidelity, and your cheating spouse is committed and willing to do the necessary work of rebuilding your marriage, then you will move past this setback and get to a place where you two are emotionally and physically connected again. But first you need to have a basic understanding of what steps will help you to reach that goal.

When you think of getting over the affair, consider how willing your spouse is to be transparent and completely honest with you. Ask yourself:

- Has your spouse owned up to what he had done, change the behavior and be held accountable?

- Is your spouse willing to truthfully explore what he has done and why he has done it?

- Is he truly committed to working on the marriage and are all other parties out of the picture for good?

- Has he apologized and acknowledged the deep pain he has caused you?

- Is your spouse willing to do the difficult work of rebuilding the marriage?

- Is he truly remorseful and is he actively seeking help such as getting counseling?

Learning to trust after the affair is another hurdle to overcome when you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage. So the two of you have to work together to rebuild the lost trust by being completely honest, open and accessible to each other, both emotionally and physically. A relationship is built on trust, even after an affair. Without it you might as well end the relationship.

Sometimes when you are in the thick of things, you can get so bogged down in the sadness and heartache that it's hard to see that there is some beacon of hope for your marriage. Do you ever get over an affair? That depends on the couple involved. If your spouse is willing to make the effort to change, you will see he has changed over time. This will help you to move forward and further away from the raw pain you're feeling. Yes, dealing with infidelity can and does get easier if you both really work on it. If you both take appropriate actions to heal your marriage you will feel better and better as time goes on.
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12 Ways to Build Trust in Your Relationship

Trust is one of the building blocks of a healthy and stable relationship. Without it, a relationship crumbles under the weight of suspicion and disrespect. When you’ve had something happen in your relationship or the one prior to your current one, you already know how important it is that you built trust for your security. Here are some ways to add trust to your relationship.

Make sure that what you say is what you’re saying

It takes a lot to hold back some of your opinions sometimes. But when you hold back something important, your partner will see it in your body language. It’s better to tell them what is upsetting you than for them to have to guess what you are trying to tell them – and potentially guessing wrong.

Become more predictable

It’s the sudden changes that can cause even the most calm and centered person to begin to question their partner. If you’re doing something that might be perceived as ‘out of your character,’ realize that you might be causing suspicion. Try to keep your habits and actions fairly predictable so that your partner can assume that everything is okay when your patterns remain the same.

Be open about changes that you are making

But it’s not fair to assume that you will be staying the same all of the time, so it’s best to let your partner know when you are making changes that might seem radical. Starting a new exercise program or changing your overall look might be something that you will want to warn them about – lest they think that you’re primping and preparing your appearance for someone else.

Believe in your partner

A little faith in your partner will go a long way. When you want to build trust in a relationship, you will want to trust your partner as well to make decisions that benefit your relationship as well as your well-being. It isn’t about thinking that your partner can do anything that they put their mind to, but it’s about having the courage to say that you support your partner no matter what they want in their life.

Communicate your needs

What you need will go a long way to showing your partner how much you trust them. By allowing them to see what makes you happy, you are becoming vulnerable to them and to their reactions. They might not like what you’ve decided, though they probably will appreciate the fact that you are telling them what you need from them. Trusting them to listen and to respect these needs will help the favor to be returned.

Be an open book

Keeping secrets is probably one of the worst things you can do for a relationship. You need to be as open as possible in your marriage in order to show that you have nothing to hide. When you’re open, your partner will also feel that they should be open enough to you as well. Small secrets are one thing – gifts, surprises – but when you start to keep some secrets, they might think that you’re hiding other things as well.

Be yourself

You married the person that you are with because of who they are. When they start to act differently, that might make you question what is going on with them. When you want to rebuild the trust in your relationship, try to remember that you don’t want to change or impress them, but you want to show them who you really are so that they can trust that person.

Have your own opinions

It’s interesting that many people believe that agreeing with everyone will make them seem more trustworthy. But like ‘yes men’ in business, those that always agree seem to be lying some of the time. There’s no need to disagree with others, but you should also have your own opinions once in a while.

Establish clear boundaries

Set up boundaries that might allow you to feel more trustful. If your spouse or partner is away, you might establish rules for talking to other women or let them know things that might make you uncomfortable. Share what you need to feel secure in your relationship and ask them to do the same.

Don’t be afraid of success

Realize that you can have an open and honest relationship – it’s not impossible. Too many people dismiss the idea entirely and always look for things to be wrong – however, this leads to distrust as well.

Communicate often

Take the time to talk with each other frequently so that you both know where the other one is at. This will allow you to feel as though there is nothing that you’re not communicating to the other.

Take responsibility

If you keep a secret or lie, take responsibility for your blunder. People make mistakes, but owning up to them makes you better for it.

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