To End or Not to End Your Relationship

Vanessa, 30 years old, is struggling with whether or not to end her six-year marriage. The answer is not at all clear to her.

Vanessa and Jon have a “good” marriage. They are kind and caring with each other. They enjoy many of the same things. So why is Vanessa in such turmoil over whether to stay or leave?

The problem is that Vanessa is very lonely with Jon. They are good friends, but they are not emotionally intimate. Jon has no desire to share any of his feelings with Vanessa, nor does he have any desire to understand Vanessa’s feelings. He is content to keep everything on the surface, while Vanessa wants a deeper emotional connection.

Since they have many good things in their marriage, Vanessa has decided to try marriage counseling, and Jon has agreed. Counseling or not, there is only one thing that can save this marriage – Jon and Vanessa shifting out of their intent to protect against pain and into an intent to learn about what is loving to themselves and each other.

Jon’s intent has always been to protect against pain rather than to learn about being loving to himself and others. He has done this by numbing out his feeling with marijuana and work. Jon’s choice to continue to protect against pain or to begin to open to learning from his feelings will determine the outcome of the counseling.

Vanessa, too, has operated with the intent to protect against pain. She has ignored her own feelings and been a “good” wife, submerging her own needs to comply with what Jon wanted. But at some point, she shifted her intent to learning about what is loving to herself, and now she realizes she cannot continue in an emotionally disconnected marriage.

The issues in your relationship may be about emotional distance, lack of passion, sexual problems, constant fighting, emotional abuse, (if there is physical abuse, then you must find a way to leave), or being used financially. There may be control and resistance occurring around many different issues. Yet the underlying issue is a lack of open and caring communication. And open communication only occurs when both people have a deep intention to learn about their feelings, fears, limiting beliefs, and resulting unloving behavior. If one or both people in a relationship are closed to learning about themselves and each other, the relationship will not heal.

If you are thinking about leaving your relationship, first think about your own intent. Are you open to learning about your feelings, beliefs and behavior? Or, are you devoted to protecting against pain with anger, withdrawal, resistance or caretaking? Are you avoiding your feelings with substances and activities, or are you opening to learning from your feelings and exploring yourself with a process such as the Inner Bonding process that we teach? The first thing you need to do is deal with your own intent.

Once you are open to learning for a number of months, and really doing your inner work, then re-evaluate your relationship. Has anything changed? Is your partner more or less open to you? Are you talking more and fighting or withdrawing less?

If things are not getting better or are getting worse, then it is time to ask your partner if he or she is willing to do some healing work with you – through counseling, workshops, and reading books together. If your partner refuses to embark on a learning journey with you, then it is clear that this relationship will not change. At this point, you need to either fully accept it as it is or leave it. It will not become the relationship you want it to be unless both of you are open to learning.

If one or both partners remain in the intent to protect, the relationship will not heal. Yet most relationships can be healed when both people are deeply devoted to learning about loving themselves and each other.
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My Boyfriend Wants to Move Out! How to Save Your Relationship

"My boyfriend wants to move out but stay together!" That's a very confusing situation for any woman to be in, isn't it? You adore your guy and now he's telling you that he needs some room or distance. It's horrible. Even though he's assured you that this isn't the end of your relationship you can't help but feel that it is. If you allow him to leave doesn't that essentially mean that you're agreeing to the idea that your relationship is failing? It doesn't necessarily have to be that way. You can actually use this hurdle as a springboard towards positive change for the two of you.

If your boyfriend wants to move out your initial reaction is going to be one of utter panic. Even if he's gently telling you that it's simply a way for him to gather his thoughts and gain some perspective, you're still going to see it as the beginning of the end. You're right. It does signal that his feelings have definitely changed and he wants and needs to create some distance between the two of you. The fact of the matter is that if he still felt as emotionally invested in the relationship as he once did, leaving would be the very last thing on his mind. In fact, he wouldn't even be considering it.

As hard as it seems the best thing you can do right now if you want to preserve the connection that you two do still have is to agree that moving out may be the best thing. Internally you're probably feeling that you need to fight him on this not only because you don't want it but also to show him how much you really do love him. It's important to think beyond that though. Consider the fact that if you agree to a separation you're essentially showing him that you completely respect and honor his needs. You're putting him before you and that's a strong and important statement for you to be making right now.

Some time apart in a relationship can be the magic formula for a couple to truly realize what they have. Your boyfriend may feel that he needs to move out because he's feeling too stressed because of the conflict between you two. In his mind, being apart will afford him the chance to live in peace while he sorts through his feelings. It may actually cause him to feel a lot of different things. The silence and loneliness that will accompany him as he makes this change will weigh heavy on him. He'll start to focus much more on missing you than on the things that drove him away from you in the first place. That may just be enough to get him to pack his things back up again and beg you to take him back.

If you still love your ex, don't give up. There are proven methods to get back your ex and to make them love you like never before.

Bad mistakes can ruin your relationship for good. To avoid these fatal mistakes, you need proven steps to get your ex back and keep them. Click here to learn exactly how to win them back for good.


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Dating After The Death Of Your Spouse

It's extremely traumatic to have lost a spouse and it may take quite some time to heal the emotional wounds before you may be interested in dating someone new. But how will you know when you are emotionally ready to start a new relationship, and how long should you wait? I will answer these questions in this article.

If you had been married to your spouse for many years then it has been a long time since you met someone whom you are truly interested in. The idea of finding a compatible partner and getting to know them may seem like a difficult task after you have been in a committed relationship for so long. However, getting back into the dating scene could be an exciting adventure if you are optimistic.

You should take some time to mourn the loss of your previous relationship before you start dating again. Whether the relationship ended because of death or divorce you should designate some time to mourn. You must accept your feelings and process your sorrow before you can commit to another relationship.

You must let go of the past, this does not mean you should stop loving the person you lost. It means that you must let them go and accept the fact that the relationship is over and you should have a strong desire to move into a new chapter of your life. The same rule applies to people who are divorced, before you can move onto something new you must let go of the past. You should try to learn as much as possible from your mistakes in your previous relationship and focus on the future.

You should make a list of your needs, we all have needs for companionship, the need to have someone special in your life. You may be looking for an activity partner, a casual friendship, or a serious relationship which may lead to marriage, you must recognize your needs and you should be comfortable with it.

How will you know when you have mourned enough? This can be somewhat difficult to determine because there is no rule in our society that states how long one should wait before dating again. There are certain people who believe that if they start dating too soon they are betraying their former partner. The truth is, you are the only person who will be able to determine when you are ready to start dating again.

When you have decided to start dating again you should be cautious because you do not want to become the victim of a scam artist. Some of the people you meet may be sincere people while others may not. Some people will be interested in you for who you are and your beliefs and values as a person, while other people may be interested in you for what you have. Hopefully you will be able to distinguish the difference. You should try to avoid discussing your financial status with someone until you know them well.

You should try to keep an open mind and proceed with caution when you are trying to find a compatible partner. Use these tips as a guide and you will be on your way to finding a new partner.


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Can a Marriage Become Stronger by Swinging?

While divorce rates rise and marriage fall apart on a daily basis, an outside observer of swinging might think that it helps to cause marriage crises. This is certainly not the case. Swinging, through numerous individual interviews and case studies, has been shown to help strong marriages become even stronger.

Strength in numbers?

When you talk to an experienced swinger, you will find that they didn’t want to try swinging for the sex, but for the experience. Their marriages may have been plenty strong going into the whole adventure, but one or both of the partners just wanted a little something different and new. They didn’t love each other any less, but rather, they wanted to add another dimension to their relationship. And by making the decision together, they created a way to communicate with each other more openly and honestly, leading to overall better communication skills (outside sexual matters).

Why swinging isn’t cheating

One of the main concerns that couples struggle with is their mindset of thinking that swinging is cheating on their partner in some way. And this can be a deterrent for a while to act upon this fantasy. What makes swinging different from cheating is that the two of you have decided to share this experience together. There’s nothing secretive about being with this other person. You know exactly what your partner is doing and you’ve talked about why. You’re hoping to share this new adventure with your partner—together. And this is why being open will make swinging even better for the both of you.

Saving a weak marriage

A counselor is the best way to save a weak marriage, not swinging. If you are having insecurities about your relationship, or just aren’t communicating as well, swinging is not a good fix. Swinging is best experienced by a couple that us able to talk to each other and share with each other. And if problems should come up in the swinging process, then the couple must be able to work through them. And weak marriages are usually a sign of not being able to talk through certain issues.

Don’t complicate your relationship more. Work things out with each other before you add swinging to the already volatile mix. Swinging can provide just the ‘kick’ that your strong marriage needs, but it will not solve problems that are already present. If you’re able to work through issues as a couple and just want to experience more in the area of sex and fantasy, then swinging could be the answer to your dreams.

And there are plenty of places to research swinging. Bookstores so carry books on swinging and your local sex shops can direct you to local connections. Online swinging dating sites and other information sites can also answer any questions that you might have.

Start the open and frank discussions now to enjoy swinging in every way that you can. Doing the research together may also lead to some fun on your own.
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Tips for Marriage Counseling

A positive trend becoming noticeable in marriage counseling and therapy is that more couples are going in for counseling before seeking a divorce. However, there are more useless and incompetent marriage counselors and marriage therapists than ever. So it's best to check out and look for the best marriage counselor or therapist before you go into marriage counseling or marriage therapy.

One mistake people make when entering marriage counseling is in going to a general psychological therapist whose practice isn't predominately marriage counseling. What happens many times is that a person enters individual counseling and then brings their mate in for marriage counseling or therapy. Therapists who focus primarily on individual therapy don't, as a rule, make good marriage counselors or marriage therapists. That's because individual therapy is vastly different from marriage therapy, and so it's a good idea to select a therapist or counselor whose primary focus is in on marriage counseling.

Also, you should never bring a partner into marriage counseling with a therapist who has been helping you because this gives a lopsided view of the situation to the therapist who has already formed an opinion. It's always best to seek a marriage counselor who is unknown to both of you so that he is more open to hearing and evaluating both sides of the marriage story without any biases.

Always have a phone interview with a marriage counselor or marriage therapist before making an appointment. Alternatively, use the first appointment to ask questions. You need to do this if your marriage is important to you and you want to try and save it. You need the best marriage counselor or therapist to help you. If he thinks asking questions is his monopoly then it's wise to look elsewhere.

Some things you want to ask questions about are the marriage counselor's credentials and background. Ask about his or her attitude toward helping salvage relationships as opposed to helping dissolve them. A marriage therapist or counselor who comes down too strictly on either side of the question is probably not a good choice. You want someone neutral, if possible, and you definitely don't want a marriage therapist who tells you he or she doesn't believe in divorce. Hopefully, that won't happen to your marriage, but if it does, you want a marriage counselor who will help both of you through making the decision and any transition that's necessary.

At any point during the meeting with marriage counselor you sense biasness or unfairness, simply change the therapist. Marriage counselor's main aim is to give equal support and attention to both the partners. He or she should be objective enough to highlight your problems and issues without making you feel "right" or "wrong". Quite often you tend to feel that therapist is pointing at you again and again which can't be comfortable always. If you judge that it's you who is left alone and not heard frequently then it is sensible to look out for another marriage counselor. It is not good to be pointed out as a bad guy or girl always. The worse thing that can happen to your bad marriage is a bad marriage therapist.
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Top 20 Questions For Couples - Get To Know Questions For Dating Couples

Have you been dating someone special for a little while? Has your relationship passed the casual dating stage? Possibly thoughts of matrimony have even been on your mind. If your answer to these questions was 'yes', it would be a good idea for you to ask each other probing questions that could help you to get to know each other more completely.

To get you started on this activity, following are my top 20 questions for couples:

1. What is the one thing you would change about yourself if you had the power to do so?

2. If you could change any one thing about me, what would that be?

3. What, more than anything else, makes you feel loved?

4. What is your definition of success?

5. What would you change first if you were the king (or queen) of the world?

6. What historical event would you like to witness if you could go back in time?

7. If you were able to travel back in time, what famous historical event would you like to change?

8. What bugs you? (Something people do that REALLY annoys you)?

9. Where in the world would you most want to live?

10. What is the most important thing you want to achieve before you die?

11. Have you learned any lessons from past relationships? What were they?

12. Do you seek certain attributes in a person? What are those?

13. In your judgement, what are your best attributes?

14. What's the most reckless thing you've ever done?

15. What stands out as your most memorable moment?

16. How would you spend the money if you won the lottery?

17. What three items would you take along to a deserted island?

18. Is there another period in history that you would have liked to be born in? When?

19. What are you most passionate about?

20. What's one place you haven't been to yet that you really would like to go?

If my top 20 questions for couples inspire you to engage in meaningful dialogue with your lover, then this article has accomplished its mission. I'm sure you can think of some more "get to know" questions, and even some fun questions for couples. I suggest open-ended questions rather than "yes' or 'no' questions, because they stimulate more in-depth discussion. Putting forth some effort to better understand each other now will have long term rewards for both of you.

For more tips that will help you to build a lasting relationship see my sig below.

Maybe you've seen Michael Webb on Oprah. His best seller "1000 Questions For Couples" is the most complete book of questions that couples should ask before getting married. You can read the review here:
1000 Questions For Couples
Have you considered premarital counseling? Read this: Pre Marriage Counseling: Do I Need It?

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