Inside Look On Being Married To A Russian Wife

Jason, a slender, sandy blonde-haired man with sharp blue eyes and Tatiana, a tall, brunette with sparkling brown eyes, have been married nearly five years. At first they appear to be an average middle American couple, but as soon as Tatiana begins to speak, the difference is obvious. Tatiana is not American at all. She is a Russian wife. Some estimates suggest around 10,000 marriages a year between American men and Russian women, many through Russian matchmaking agencies. As with all marriages, there is no guarantee of success, but many couples say the pairings are perfect. In fact, USCIS recent survey found that divorce rate in marriages involving Russian wives is lower than USA national average.

Jason met his wife using online Russian matchmaking agency OneWife.com. They exchanged correspondence and after a while he visited Tatiana in her home town. Before long, Jason decided to invite Tatiana to USA for a visit. One and a half years later they were married and his Russian wife moved to America permanently.

Tatiana writes from home and takes care of the couple's 7-year-old son, Jacob. She, like many Russian women, takes great care of her appearance and rarely leaves the house without applying her makeup. She and Jason also attend a twice-weekly ballroom and salsa dance class that helps her stay fit. "Russian women simply do not gain weight the way American women do," she laughs, "it is because we must learn to be moderate very young. There are not a lot..." she pauses, searching for the word, "of choices in Russia."

In general, Russian women looking for American husbands already know English, although not necessarily as well as a native speaker. They also may not have had experience with things like credit cards and ATM's. However, this does not mean they are backward or unintelligent. Many Russians simply learned to prefer cash over banks after the collapse of the Soviet Union in the 1990's. Usually these are intelligent, educated women who, either due to circumstance (statistically there are far fewer Russian men than women) or a desire to try for a better life, have come to desire marriage with an American.

Tatiana and Jason have such a happy successful marriage because both came to the altar ready to compromise and work together. It is sometimes suggested by agency sites that connect American men with Russian women that all Russian women want a traditional marriage and are willing "slaves" to their husbands. This is not true. Many women are looking for a stable marriage and, most importantly, a good husband. What this can mean depends on the man and woman. Russian women are, traditionally, raised to be more compromising and flexible, after all, this is a country where it is expected that people work together and families are very important. One sticking point for some marriages is that Russian women are not necessarily as passionate about Christianity as an American man may expect. Tatiana and Jason have no such problems as Jason is agnostic. "I am able to let him live his lifestyle," Tatiana says, "for me, religion is just a part of life, not something to push forward all the time."

A common myth is that a Russian wife is submissive and a virtual slave to her husband and family. The truth is Russian woman can be just as independent and strong as American women, but their strength is shown through their recognition of the need to compromise and adapt to situations. Tatiana's wry, cynical sense of humor is usual for Russian women as well. "She tells it like it is," Jason laughs, "but is willing to work with me to find ways to make our life work. She's no submissive wife, but she's also not going to chase me around with a frying pan."

"That's what you think," Tatiana responds.

*names have been changed at the couple's request.

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OneWife has many single Russian ladies in their database. You can find more stories about Russian wives at Russian matchmaking agency OneWife.

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How to Put the Sizzle Back in Your Relationship with These Seven Goal Setting Tools

Goal Setting and Relationships?

That is not as weird as it may sound. Consider the following definition of a goal: "A goal is a future incidence or event that is consciously worked towards." With this in mind, it is perfectly normal to make it your goal to improve your relationship, and these seven goal setting tools can help you.

A great relationship is one of the finest things life can offer. When you choose your partner and start on a full-time relationship, you look forward to a future of love, support, encouragement, communication and intimacy. We enter into relationships for many different reasons and with many different expectations. Often, due to circumstances outside your control, a relationship can become a little tarnished.

You recognize that all people are different and that even the most compatible couple will have individual needs that differ at times. Using just the seven goal setting tools discussed in this article takes a give and take approach. Partners in a relationship who adopt this give and take attitude often feel a sense of pride in modifying a need "downward" when they know it will satisfy and stabilize their partner and the relationship itself. Mutual giving flourishes in an atmosphere of cooperation.

Seven Goal Setting Tools

Listening: Communication is the key to a lasting relationship and listening is the key to communicating. Being a good listener takes more than being attentive to your partner when he or she talks with you. Good listening is a characteristic of a healthy relationship. Give your mate full attention when he or she is talking. Listening without interrupting the other shows respect and also builds trust. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is just to listen - with your heart. So listening helps to improve relationship in great way.

Small things: The small things are what constitute our existence. Once the excitement your partner brings to your world becomes familiar, it's the small things that thrill you both and that will keep you connected and turned-on for the long run. Do the small things you did when you first fell in love with your mate. Remember the small things you did to show your love to your mate? But as time went by, you probably began to get weighed down with simply living life and forgot the small things that made the difference in the beginning. Small things like a phone call in the middle of the day just to talk or say, "I love you", a handwritten appreciative note, flowers, gifts, and opening doors. Re-charge your relationship by consciously going back and doing the small things that you did when your love first began to grow.

Give attention: When each person has decided to give of themselves to the other, you form a reciprocating relationship of love, concern, and devotion. Consider your mate's interests more important than your own. Give attention to your mate's interests. All healthy relationships require consistent, ongoing, conscious attention to survive and thrive. It is a simple fact that whenever we give attention to something, we are choosing to create more of it.

Say 'thank you': One of the most useful phrases in improving your relationship is to say "thank you". These two magic words will make others feel closer to you and create loyal relationships. This attitude of appreciation nourishes the heart of both participants and assures that each person's needs are attended to. Things like saying "thank you", re-charge your relationship. You know to say "thank you" when someone gives you a gift or does something special for you. However, if you're seriously interested in improving your relationship, you need to let your mate know how much you appreciate things that are not special, the things that we just take for granted because people are supposed to do them anyway. Tell your partner what is right with them, what you appreciate, value and cherish. Thank them repeatedly and often. Appreciation makes your partner feel valued. It also builds trust and a feeling of acceptance. These powerful attributes act like a magnet to attract your partner to you.

Personalized gifts: Personalized gifts are great not only for life's special occasions. Personalized gifts bring important moments to life and keep the memory alive forever. Express your feelings and show how much you care with personalized gifts. It shows your partner how much you value your relationship. Personalized gifts are always a winner because they are made exclusively for your beloved, with care and attention. Choose gifts that reflect your partner's interests. Evening wrapping your gift can be personalized. A little handwritten note expressing your gratitude can mean as much to your partner as the gift itself. Also be sure to give the gift in person. Personalized gift giving is a great way to spread goodwill and cheer amongst each other.

Feel special: Sometimes your partner likes to get noticed once in a while. We like to feel appreciated for our actions, feelings and aspirations and want to be noticed and acknowledged. Become a person who notices these things in your partner and give a compliment often. It will make your partner feel special and know how that you care. The only way our partner knows what makes us feel special is if we speak up. The gestures that make us feel special are different for each one of us. Learning how to make each other feel special takes time and an awareness. Taking this journey of self-discovery together is one of the joys of a relationship. A key to a happy relationship is a commitment to learn. It is an attitude of curiosity, discovery, and delight in each other. Learn this essential relationship wisdom, and you will make each other feel special every day.

Unconditional love: Love is the primary energy in the universe. Giving unconditional love will deliver the greatest joy possible. The term 'unconditional love' means to love without terms and conditions, which means giving of yourself. Unconditional love is accepting another for exactly who they are, not forcing the person to change to meet your expectations of how they should be. It is about giving the person the freedom to be exactly who they want to be by allowing, supporting and enabling them in every way you can. Unconditional Love is true neutrality; it does not judge or evaluate. It does not like or dislike. It does not blame, so it does not need to forgive. It does not have choices or preferences, opinions or positions. Unconditional Love does not dictate, is not authoritative. It has no expectations other than what is.

Put the Sizzle back

Learning how to establish and maintain a loving, supportive relationship is no different to setting any other goal. It takes information, planning, thought, skill, time, and most of all, attention. You learn your skills and styles from your parents, close friends and relatives. You watch them from the time you are little. They teach you both your roles in a relationship, and how to play them, through their example. This happens in every family and much of the teaching is unintentional and unconscious. You can learn to be assertive (not aggressive) and to collaborate with your partner. You can learn to listen with your mind and heart. You can learn to fight fair and resolve conflicts equitably and sanely. You can learn to value and acknowledge both yourself and your partner. You can learn to speak from your heart and be safe. You can learn to ask for what you need and want.

Use these seven goal setting tools, and put the sizzle back in you relationship. This is just one of the areas that is covered in the eaziGOAL system.

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Growing and Connecting with Your Spouse

Do you remember when there were no children in your life? Hanging out with your spouse was your first priority. You had fun going on dates. You had time to talk and share with each other your day's events. And sex was something you looked forward to. And then along came Ryan or Megan, and then maybe Benjamin or Kaylee. Suddenly, life became centered on your children. Time for each other as a couple was rare.

If you and your spouse plan to be a happy couple after the children have left, you need to grow and connect with each other today. While there are no guarantees that you and your spouse will be one of those cute, old couples in "When Harry Met Sally," there are things you can do to increase your odds.

When I think of the marriage ceremony, the unity candle is an excellent symbol for what should happen in marriage. Two candles (two people) come together to light one big candle (one team). A healthy marriage has unity. Always think of your spouse as a teammate. Create a marriage with a shared vision and shared goals.

Your husband should be your best friend, and you should be his. Your marriage is a place for intimacy, and being intimate means sharing completely and honestly who you are - your feelings, likes and dislikes, your dreams, and what is important to you. Intimacy happens when both people can share anything and feel safe in doing so. You and your spouse will always be growing, so take the time to understand each other in every way - socially, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Intimacy is only achieved by spending time together regularly.

Safety in marriage comes from knowing you can trust your partner completely. Being trustworthy means you love and respect your spouse. You keep your commitments and strive to treat each other with compassion and understanding. Your spouse needs to know without a doubt that you are not going anywhere, even when the going gets tough.

Every marriage has conflict and every couple has differences. In my marriage, we fight over disciplining the children, among other things. If you are going to grow and connect with your spouse, you have to learn to work through your disagreements. Make every effort to understand each other. Understanding comes about when you can listen with your heart. It's so much easier to brainstorm win-win solutions when there is a clear understanding of what is important to each partner.

Speaking of differences, the healthy couple accepts and embraces each other's strengths and weaknesses. If you think about it, there is a positive and a negative to every quality. I have a lot of compassion, but sometimes I am too sensitive. My husband provides structure in our family, but sometimes he is too rigid. When one spouse has a perceived weakness, often times the other balances it with a strength. For instance, my flexibility and his structure often conflict. However, our family needs both. Encourage the development of your spouse's strengths and be patient with the weaknesses.

When you spend time getting to know each other and sharing yourself, you will naturally feel affectionate. Sexual intimacy is an important element in marriage. In order for women to desire sex, there needs to be healthy emotional intimacy. And men, unfortunately, achieve emotional closeness through physical intimacy. It is important for each partner to work to satisfy the other's needs. Make the time to ignite the passion.

It is important for a couple to grow together, but it is also important for each person in the marriage to grow individually. It takes a lot of hard work and maintenance to make your marriage thrive, but it is well worth it. Your children need a model for a healthy marriage. And, when the children have left to start their own lives, won't it be nice to look at your spouse and say, "I want to spend the rest of my years with you, my friend?"
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Saving A Marriage After An Affair

Saving a marriage after an affair is a uniquely difficult proposition. Dealing with betrayal and the raw emotions left behind in the wake of infidelity can make it even more difficult than usual to fix a broken marriage. Although saving these marriages can be tough, it is definitely possible to do so.



The first, and most critical, thing to do when facing this situation is to commit yourself to action. The affair should be seen as a resounding wake up call and an indication that there are real problems in the relationship that time, hope and faith alone are unlikely to resolve.



It may be hard to view an affair as a positive experience, but a symptom of this magnitude can be a much-needed bolt of inspiration, persuading the couple to get serious about saving the marriage.



The second essential ingredient to saving a marriage after an affair is the utilization of a smart and proven strategy to strengthen the relationship. Too many couples rely on a mish-mash of bad advice and gut instinct when trying rebuild their relationships. This rarely works.



Instead, those who are dealing with a troubled marriage should seek out and use a proven technique based on good reasoning and extensive professional experience. This serious approach to saving a marriage is often the only way a challenged couple can make their marriage work again.



Finally, the couple should always keep in mind that the affair itself is one part of a much larger picture. It is a significant part of the situation and should never be taken lightly, but it is not the whole of the problem and should not become the sole focus of efforts to repair the marriage.



Keeping these three factors in mind can be of great assistance when saving a marriage after an affair. This can be a trying process, but those who approach it with the proper perspective have a wonderful opportunity to create the strong, stable, honest, rewarding and loving marriage they so deeply deserve.



By following a smart, professional and proven plan designed to effectively save a marriage, you can make your relationship much stronger and better than it has ever been!

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7 Innovative Ways to Save Your Marriage

Are you in a tough spot in your marriage right now? Every relationship has its problems and its rough patches, but that doesn’t mean that you need to give up when the going gets tough. For many couples, they can actually work through their problems to create a stronger relationship. Sometimes the hard times are actually learning lessons in disguise. Here are just a few tips for getting started on the right foot.

Listen

There’s nothing more damaging to a relationship than a partner that doesn’t take the time to listen. In fact, that fact alone might be the thing that has led to the feelings of dissatisfaction with a marriage. In order to be a good partner (on either end), you need to be able to remain quiet and talk through problems until both partners are satisfied. Be quiet when they are speaking and try to really listen to what they are saying.

Understand

But listening only goes so far when you’re trying to work out problems in you relationship. If you do not really understand where they are coming from, you might be creating more problems. When they are expressing themselves, you want to ask questions when appropriate in order to clarify what they are saying to you. Even if it seems uncomfortable at first, it’s important that you make sure that you understand where they are at and how you might be able to help.

A positive attitude

Why start off a rough patch by thinking that it will never get any better no matter what you do? When you’re trying to work through problems and issues, you will want to make sure that you’re going into it with a positive attitude. You don’t need to be sugary sweet, but you should start to look at your troubles as learning lessons rather than the doom of the relationship. Try to think about happier times when you start to become negative in order to turn your thinking around.

Be present

When a partner isn’t fully in the moment of trying to fix a relationship, the work becomes a one-sided affair. You need to be able to fully be there for your partner when you need to work through tough times. This might mean that you need to take a few days off work or devote certain times to discussing ways to fix your relationship. These times should be uninterrupted by work obligations or time commitments so that neither person feels rushed or distracted.

Stay calm

While you might be upset about the way that things have turned out, you need to remember that being calm is the best way to see things more clearly. Try lowering your voice when you talk – it automatically lowers your blood pressure and your anger. Try to take a few deep breaths before you say anything – this will help you to be clear and calm as you speak. Many people perceive becoming flustered or upset as being angry, and that can lead to a poor environment for working through issues.

Make plans

One of the best ways to help save your marriage is to start creating long term plans with your partner. While this might not seem like the best idea at the time, it will create the idea that you are both going to make it through the rough patch that you have stumbled upon – somehow. Try to make plans for vacations or other far in the future appointments. This will create a little less pressure because the future isn’t so vague and unable to be seen in the dark that you are experiencing at the time.

Take time away

While you don’t have to become legally separated to do this, taking time away from each other is one of the best ways to stop a marriage from becoming a divorced marriage. When you take time away from each other, you allow yourself to have a new perspective on the events that are happening. And this can allow you to see new solutions as well as new ideas for how to handle the problems that you may be having. Even if it’s just a night or a few hours, taking time to step back from an issue can help it become easier to resolve.

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How To Tell If Your Wife Is Cheating � 4 Simple Ways How To Tell If Your Wife Is Cheating

There are a few simple ways how to tell your wife is cheating. You don't have to jump through hoops or become a super sleuth in order to get through to the truth of the matter.

Then, why does it seem so hard for some men to figure out their wives are cheating if it's really so simple to find out? To be perfectly honest, it's because there are a lot of men who don't really want to know their wives are cheating on them. If you're one of these men you may ask how to tell your wife is cheating but you're not really going to take the steps or ask the questions to find out for sure because you're just not ready to hear the truth.

If you really want to know how to tell if your wife is cheating, these are the signs you need to look for.

1) Your wife has started coming home from shopping trips empty handed. Guys, there aren't many powers on earth that will have your wife leave a shopping trip without at least a pair of shoes to show for her efforts. If she's suddenly going on shopping trips and not bringing home a few goodies from the excursion, the odds are good that she's been doing something other than shopping. Since she's not being honest about what she is doing, it's fairly safe to assume the worst.

2) She's stopped inviting you to go with her whenever she leaves the house. Most wives enjoy the company of their husbands and many of them aren't all that interested in shopping, going to movies, or even visiting museums alone. If your wife suddenly sprouts the wings of an independent streak and doesn't seem to want you coming along there might be a little something for you to worry about.

3) Has she changed her phone habits? If your wife is like many women, her cell phone may at times seem to be perma-glued to her ears. If she isn't talking, she seems to be texting. The problems arise when her habits change and she stops hiding her cell phone activity from you. Is she leaving the room to take calls? Is she covering up and hiding text messages and/or erasing them immediately? This is yet another signs of a cheating wife.

It isn't always the difficult things that reveal the truth. Sometimes it's the little things, like these, that are the simplest ways how to tell your wife is cheating.

You don't have to lose your wife after she's cheated on you. I have made a video just for you that shows what you need to do to get your ex back if you have.

Please watch my free video: http://www.getyourexbacknow.com/just_break_up3.html that explains exactly what you need to do to save your marriage.

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Wedding Planning Checklist Tips

So the lucky couple have finally decided to do the ‘decent thing’ and get married. To make their relationship a permanent matrimonial fixture and start planning for the big day. These days weddings aren’t exactly a cheap affair, so budgeting and planning are high on the priority list. Unless you’ve won the lottery or the latest poker championship, the chances are money is something that is finite even if you do want to throw caution to the wind. Then there is the cost of the honeymoon to consider. If you want everything to run as smoothly as possible, there is no better place to start than with a wedding planning checklist. You need it fully written up well in advance of the big day.

You may be wondering what types of things you would write in a wedding planning checklist. Well, once you sit down, it soon becomes clear that there is a ton of stuff. Firstly you need basic things such as the date you are going to get married on, the location of the wedding and even the exact time. Then you need to decide on the type of ceremony you are going to be having. Is it going to be a small affair or is it going to be filled to the rafters with people that you’ve invited. Once you know this, you can then think about what accommodation and food will be provided and served. The further ahead you plan all these details and write them down on your wedding planning checklist, the better. With a comprehensive planning checklist things should run without a hitch as you’ve covered all the bases well before.

You will also need to decide upon who is going to marry the couple, the all important wedding cake, the flowers and special rings that no bride and groom can be without on their wedding day. So, as you can see, a wedding planning checklist will need a lot on it and it’s something very important to utilize in preparation for the big day.

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Understand Why Husbands Cheat and Get Him Back

When you find out that your husband is cheating on you, you will wonder why he does this. You will want to know the reasons why you did not satisfy him such that he had to go to another woman. You will be wondering about what that other woman offers your husband that you have failed to do. You will also wonder why your husband needed something that you could not give him. Very many questions will run through your mind when you discover that your husband has cheated on you. You should therefore understand why husbands cheat so that you can deal with your particular situation better.

When you have a better understanding of why husbands cheat, you will be in an equally better position to know how you can save your marriage. There is no doubt that cheating in marriage is very painful, and you are probably going through a mixture of emotions. However, as angry as you may feel about your husband's betrayal, you may not quite be prepared to call it quits. As you find out why husbands cheat, you will realize that there are high chances that your husband is also not ready to end your relationship.

Discuss with him

Although it will be very painful, it may be necessary to talk about your husband's cheating with him. You will understand better why husbands cheat when you discuss with him the process that led him down this painful path. This does not mean that you will seek for all the intimate details. You should just understand what led him to cheat on you, not the details of his cheating. The fewer of these details you hear, the better it is. Do not try to dig up the things that the other woman offered your husband that you failed to do.

While good looks certainly have their part, the fact is that they count for very little in the reasons why husbands cheat. In many cases, husbands cheat because of Â…

Appreciation

Men like women who appreciate and accept them without trying to manipulate them into different persons. Appreciating a man just for what he is goes a long way in winning his affection.

Admiration

Appreciation is something that is important for both partners, although women tend to need it more than the men. When you want to know why husbands cheat, admiration plays an even greater role. Men are attracted to women who admire them, as it makes them feel more 'manly'.

Perhaps you no longer 'dress to kill' just for your husband. Does your appearance encourage him to feel more intimate? If you have stopped doing this, but just give demands instead, you are surely driving your husband away to the hands of another woman. Nagging will make him flee even faster.
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After The Affair - Do They Still Love Me?

When you find out that your spouse is cheating on you, it seems like your whole world is coming apart at the seams. You have this sinking feeling that maybe your spouse doesn't love you anymore and that your marriage is on the verge of collapse because the love has died after the affair. It's hard to understand how on the one hand your spouse says that he loves you, and yet could do such a vile, selfish and hurtful thing. Do you think it's possible for your spouse to cheat on you if he really loved you?

Because if he truly loved you he would never have cheated on you, right? Whether your spouse is still in love with you or not is a hard question to fathom. The only person who can give you a real answer is your spouse.

It's possible your spouse still loves you after the affair

There are many reasons why people cheat and sometimes people truly do fall out of love. But cheating does not automatically mean that your spouse has fallen out of love with you. What your spouse did was horribly selfish and unjustifiable. Having an affair is not the way to appropriately express dissatisfaction and pain in a relationship. What the affair reflects is that your spouse has a serious flaw in his character and not necessarily that he does not love you.

Your cheating spouse has lost his way and is doubtless feeling confused at the moment. His love for you may be buried somewhere deep inside. So even if he or she says that they are no longer in love with you anymore, it doesn't necessarily mean they have fallen out of love with you. This could be just a reflection of the poor state of your marriage after the affair or they may have so much resentment and hurt that they are not willing to consider any other alternative except walking away from the marriage.

Your spouse may continue to deny his loving feelings for you until some sort of a crisis of some kind - such as an impending divorce or separation - brings him back to his senses. This may wake him up from his stupor to realize that he is still in love with you and wants to save the marriage.

There are some cases though, where love is indeed lost after the affair, in which case you should prepare yourself for the possibility that you may not be able to save your marriage at all. You can only stick it out with someone whom you love and who loves you back. You can't build a house on sand. Love is the foundation of a good marriage. Love is the reason for the relationship. Besides, you probably don't want to be in a loveless relationship anyway. On the other hand if your spouse still loves you despite the fact of the affair then you have a chance to save your marriage. You just need to know how to do it.
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How To Escape An Abusive Husband

There are many important things you should do if you are an abuse victim preparing to leave your spouse. These include: making copies of important records, papers, and bills; putting these records, some cash, and extra clothes in a safe place or a trusted friend’s house; and leaving when you must. If you can, start your own bank account. Get credit cards in your own name.

If the threat of physical violence is imminent escape with your children as soon as you can.

In such a situation, have an escape plan. Figure out what room in your house is most secure, and has a reasonable exit to the outside. Be prepared to give in to verbal demands in order to buy time. Once you have determined that the moment has come, go immediately. If you see a dangerous situation arising, do whatever you must (short of increasing the physical danger to yourself or your children) to create an opportunity for escape.

Once you are away from the home, go to the nearest shelter, or to the home of someone you trust. Also consider whether your spouse will follow, and if so, where he is likely to look.

Using the Legal System to Escape an Abuser

As I noted above, often a divorce action provokes an abuser. His violence may escalate. Protective or restraining orders can help, but they can also further infuriate the abusive spouse. Law enforcement can’t protect a victim or children around the clock. This is something you should discuss with your attorney.

Remember, when you ask for a protective or restraining order against your spouse, the judge will want as much evidence as possible. Document erratic behavior and any violent actions starting now. You can do this by writing everything down, or keeping a computer file, but be sure it is safe from discovery. Try to recall each detail. Ideally such records should be moved to wherever you are keeping your important papers in case of escape. One way to keep things written down, and retrievable from anywhere, is web based email, such as yahoo or hotmail, as long as you make sure the password is secure, and that you log off whenever you are finished. You can write things and save them as a draft, and there is no risk of losing the hard drive if you have to leave in a hurry. Call others as soon as possible after an incident, and have them keep a record of it. If you have bruises, show them to others, and ask them to make a written note of what they’ve seen. Keep the paperwork on hospital visits. If you have made any 911 calls, get the tapes of them. Your attorney will need as much evidence as possible.

If you are representing yourself in a motion for a restraining order, and you have such proof, let the evidence speak for itself. There is nothing wrong with expressing your fears, but do not say more than you have to against your spouse. If there are witnesses to violence, and/or solid physical evidence (cuts, bruises, broken items), these will be the most convincing factors. Most judges will be impressed more by a victim who simply states the need for protection and then presents compelling evidence. If you have a lawyer, but still have to testify, do so without anger. Present yourself as a victim of deranged behavior, and in need of a sane, sensible solution. Concentrate on the violence of the abuse, rather than on the abuser.

Judges seek to be referees in divorce disputes, not favoring either side. A judge will often resent being manipulated into issuing a restraining order early in the proceedings, especially if the victim later uses it as evidence in the divorce trial. Show that your concerns are only for the safety of yourself and those around you. Demonstrate that the order will be a useful tool in cooling things down and producing a just settlement.

Another issue that will concern a judge is the children. Judges are prone to try to sustain contact between parents and children. If your children are subject to abuse, then any protective or restraining order should apply to them. If the abuse is not aimed at them, and you intend to allow your spouse any contact with the children, discuss this with your lawyer. Often a restraining order can be limited in a way that is designed to defuse the anger of the abuser.

There are also other options to protective and restraining orders. In most states, a party in a divorce action can ask that a no-contact order be a condition of the divorce proceedings. However, these usually expire with the final decree.

Settlements

The extent of abuse, and the potential for further abuse, should be the most important factors in any settlement. If there is an obvious threat of further abuse to a spouse and/or children, the contact should be limited or completely cut off. The safety of the victims must be the basis for settlement.

If the abuse is confined to the spouse, and isn’t sustained or life threatening, a judge will often arrange for visitation rights with the children. If this is the case, make sure all conditions are met to ensure your own safety when exchanging children for a visit. Judges sometimes draw up conditions for these exchanges that include third parties (trusted friends or family members), performing the exchange in a public place, or other security measures.

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Same Sex Weddings - Common Questions and Answers on Planning a Gay Wedding

Your relationship may be unconventional, but the premise is still the same: your wedding should be a distinctive expression and celebration of your love for each other. However, certain questions arise when planning a same sex wedding that don't necessarily apply to heterosexual weddings - and that's where this guide comes in. Here are thirteen common questions gay couples face when planning a wedding and some useful insight on how to answer them.

Is the term "wedding" appropriate for gay couples?

The term "wedding" is not exclusive to heterosexual couples. But maybe you don't want to call it that if same-sex marriages are not legal in your state or if it is not an accurate reflection of your experience together. Perhaps you prefer to call it a commitment ceremony, a holy union, a rite of blessing, or another sentimental phrase. Call it what you want, but "to wed" is to unite as a couple, and that is exactly what you plan to do.

What is an appropriate way to make an announcement?

While tradition dictates telling your parents before anyone else - who you tell first depends on who is the most supportive of your relationship. If your folks have been anything but encouraging, you may prefer telling your closest friends first to gain the confidence you may need to break the news to your parents.

If same-sex marriage is not legal in your state, how else can you make it official?

Marriage is more than just a piece of paper. Marriage involves commitment, compromise, even a joint checking account. Aside from that, you may want to write up a relationship agreement that outlines your emotional expectations to each other and have it notarized, listing your partner's name on medical paperwork as your spouse, and including each other in your wills.

Who should marry you?

If same-sex marriage is not legal in your state, then your officiant need not be "official." A judge or a justice of the peace can consent your union symbolically, or a close friend or family member can do the honor. If you so wish, a man or woman of the cloth can also speak at your ceremony.

Is it necessary to let wedding vendors know that you are a same-sex couple?

It's not necessarily if you don't feel comfortable, but rest assured that vendors are not hired to judge you. In fact, letting them know of your unique situation may enable them to infuse creativity into your celebration. You aren't the first couple to plan this type of event, so your vendors may have some good ideas from other gay weddings.

If friends or family members are not accepting of your relationship, should you invite them to your celebration?

If you really think this person will be uncomfortable attending, send an invite anyway and let him or her make the final decision. When it comes down to it, some people may surprise you. Just remind yourself that someone who does not want to attend because they have a problem with your sexuality is probably not someone you want there to celebrate with you.

Should your ceremony deal directly with your sexuality?

Some couples don't feel it is necessary to draw attention to their sexuality, while others want to call out the fact that same-sex weddings are not readily recognized. Ultimately your ceremony should reflect the way you feel about each other, and should speak to why your lives will now be joined in marriage. Include whatever you feel is relevant for your situation and beliefs.

What should take place at the ceremony?

There is no set formula for any wedding ceremony, but there are a few key components that should/could take place: the greeting ("we are gathered here today"), vows, ring exchange, readings, and the pronouncement of marriage, sealed with a kiss. But this is your day, so do what your hearts' desire to make it personal.

How should the processional be arranged?

It is a time-honored tradition for the bride's father to walk her down the aisle. But what do you do when there are two brides or two grooms? There are a number of options: One partner can wait at the end of the aisle while the other walks or is escorted down, you can walk down together, or you can create a seating arrangement with two aisles that convene at the altar. Do whatever is most comfortable for both of you.

What should you wear?

Wear anything that speaks to your style. Women may choose to don the traditional gowns and veils, but if frills and lace aren't your thing, another style of dress or even a pant suit will do. Men can wear tuxedos or a nice suit purchased especially for this occasion. You may choose to wear matching attire or separate outfits to complement your individual style.

Who pays for what?

No matter your sexuality, this will always be an issue. But before you book a site and start sending out save-the-dates, check with any possible contributing parties to figure out who can afford what. Maybe your parents will be willing to chip in for a certain portion of the wedding, or maybe not. This is the case with all marriages - gay or straight. It is important to have this conversation at the beginning of the planning process before you get too deep into the planning process. Our complete budgeting guide offers more advice on setting your wedding budget.

How should you address your new husband/wife?

While there is no unvarying term to describe your same-sex spouse, there are a few standbys that encompass the legitimacy and intimacy of your relationship. Say whatever is most comfortable for you, whether it is husband/wife, spouse, life partner, significant other, companion, or soul mate. Just choose a term that reflects that a new step has been taken in your relationship, and understand that it is okay to adjust his or her title depending on the circumstances of the conversation.

Should you change your name?

Again, changing your name is completely optional and up to you. If you feel a name change is a preferable way to establish your gay marriage, then go for it. Lucky for you, you can choose the better of the two names (or the one that is easiest to spell and pronounce!). You could also hyphenate both of your last names or even come up with a totally different last name for the both of you to take


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The Male G-Spot A Golden Nugget

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A formula of effective communication

Why are certain persons more successful than others in their personal lives and in their professional environment? Some are perhaps very successful at their homes, having good relationships with their spouses and children, but having many communication problems in their office: problems with bosses, but good relationships with co-workers or vice versa, good relationship with the bosses, but conflicts with other managers and subordinates. Others again are having good relationships at the office at the expense of their marriages and family life: too much time is being spent at the office and the family at home is being felt ignored and left behind.

The root cause of the problem is communication or to be more exact: effective communication. It is actually surprising that a lot of communication is going well most of the time. However, if a communication problem happens, the question: what went wrong? Usually remains an unanswered question. There are plenty of books, articles and websites dedicated to the problems of communication. Some give scientific evidence of communication barriers and obstacles, but leave finding practical solutions to the reader. More practically oriented recipes are difficult to implement due to lack of time and practice. For example the trait assertiveness: it has become common knowledge that it is important to be assertive in daily life. But how can one be assertive if he or she is introvert by nature? On top of personality (extrovert versus introvert), there is the issue of culture: people from certain countries are simply less extrovert than from other countries.

Wouldn’t is be extremely useful to have a simple formula of effective communication which can be used in all circumstances? I think the following formula would be helpful:

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION=

SELF-INTEREST + INTEREST OF OTHERS – DISTUBING FACTORS

OR

EC = SI + IO – DF

Let’s look at the three elements of this formula.

SELF-INTEREST

When people communicate, self interest is probably the main reason for communication. One is far more interested in his or her own interest than in the interests of others. The above formula can actually be simplified even further by simply stating that communication is equal to self-interest. For this reason, communication is rarely effective because one is not trying to find a common ground in interaction processes but merely seeking a way to fulfill certain short-term interests. The most important problem in communication is probably asymmetry. The two parties in question are having different agendas and different interests which is further complicated by asymmetries of, knowledge, power and authority. For this reason, negotiation skills and tactics have become a very important trait of modern civilization. In the old days, physical strength was the determining factor to force the other party to compromise. Thanks to civilization, consensus can now be reached by communica!

tion. This civilizing process is basically a shift from a “command and control” communication culture to a “negotiating and persuasion” culture.

This shift has resulted in a greater emphasis on the ability to effectively communicate verbally and non-verbally with each other. This also implies better education in which development of dialogue skills has become the backbone of modern education. One is at a young age already required to be able to express their thoughts clearly in class presentations, essays, reports and not to mention in theses of various sorts in tertiary educational settings.

INTEREST OF OTHERS

The interest of others has probably been the most important issue in many textbooks about effective communication. The ability to listen, to get and give feedback, to control anger (“anger management”), conflict resolution, stress management, etc., have been discussed in great lengths by many authors, scholars, management trainers, etc.

The problem is accommodating the interests of others have become more important with the introduction of information technology and the ability to trade goods and services in cyberspace. True globalization has probably already occurred in cyberspace where a global 24 hour economy has been created where everybody is exchanging goods, services and information all over the world.

Everybody has become a customer! It is important to look at the needs of others as your customer. This marketing concept was first used in transactional settings, but was introduced in learning organizations and now has become an important concept in all corners of life.

The issue of discovering the interests of others has even been infiltrated by non-scientific ‘tools’ like astrology, numerology and tarot cards. Before the discovery of these tools, one was still utilizing (and still is utilizing) many scientific tools offered by psychologists ranging from psychoanalysis, conversation analysis, transactional analysis and the sort resulting in various therapies which might be effective depending on the willingness of the buyer to take it seriously or not.

How can one discover the interests of others? This requires a proactive approach from both parties. Two strategies might be helpful. The first strategy is called the PAIR approval strategy: Placate (listen, empathize, respond with concern); Attend (to the other); Investigate (circumstances details of issue); Resolve (decide on action to take). The second strategy is called the five-step method: listen, respond, decide on action, take action and follow up.

DISTURBING FACTORS

The third element of effective communication is probably the most difficult one: how to eliminate disturbing factors or how to overcome communication barriers. There are basically six types of barriers between people communicating with each other: differences in perception, incorrect filtering, language problems, poor listening, differing emotional states, and differing backgrounds. In order to overcome these barriers, one must be willing to avoid selective perception, condense messages to the bare essentials, use specific and accurate words possible, always verify your interpretation of what’s been said, be aware of the feelings that arise in yourself and in others as you communicate, and attempt to control them.

Communication barriers also exist within organizations. Although all communication is subject to misunderstandings, business communication is particularly difficult. Barriers can be caused by: information overload, message complexity, message competition, differing status, lack of trust, inadequate communication structures, incorrect choice of medium, closed communication climate, unethical communication, inefficient communication, and physical distractions.

There are three distinct moments which can cause many communication barriers in organizations; during negotiations, when dealing with customers, and holding meetings. When you are negotiating, psychological barriers may arise. These psychological barriers may be yours or may belong to the other party. Be aware that people carry some of these barriers and ‘listen’ for their effects. Look for signs of them in the other party (and in yourself) and use your communication skills to ease or lower these barriers. Dealing with customers, in turn, can be very hard because some customers are hard to please and difficult situations can arise. If a high level of service is not provided, the result will not only be loss of business, but often an increase in the number of difficult and even abusive customers. They have not yet been lost. Deal with them professionally. The negotiating process, finally, demonstrates a fundamental tension between the claiming and creating of value. Value cla!

imers view negotiations purely as an adversarial process. Each side stride tries to claim as much of a limited pie as possible by giving the other side as little as possible. Each party claims value through the use of manipulative tactics, forcible arguments, limited concessions, and hard bargaining. Value creators, in contrast, call for a process which results in joint gains to each party. They try to create additional benefits for each side in the negotiations. They emphasize shared interests, developing a collaborative relationship, and negotiating in a pleasant and cooperative manner.

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How Can I Convince My Husband To Give Me a Second Chance After Cheating?

I've been caught cheating on my husband. How can I convince my husband to give me a second chance after cheating? This question is growing more and more common as women are increasingly becoming the cheating partner in marriages around the world. There are many thoughts behind what the actual culprit is but it doesn't really matter, does it? The fact remains that more women are making the decision to cheat and this means more marriages are in jeopardy as a result.

How do you make things right at home and convince your husband to give you a second chance after cheating? That's an excellent question. Keep reading to the end to get a few great ideas. Don't forget to click on the link at the end to learn more about healing after cheating and making your marriage stronger than ever before.

Here are a few great things you can do to get started.

1) Convince your husband that cheating was a mistake that made you realize how great your husband really is. The grass is almost always greener with the other man. You're going to have to convince your husband that your experience with the other man only confirmed, in your mind and in your heart, that you have the best man already and no one else can really compare to what you have at home.

2) Stroke his ego. Your husband's ego took a hard hit when he found out you were cheating. Men are really attached to their egos. You're going to have to make his ego feel a little more inflated if you want your marriage to have any hope at all of recovery. This means you're going to have to show him the love and a lot of effort on your part. He wants to see you working to win him back. Don't go overboard and become his personal doormat but you do need to let him see you work for it.

3) Show him a little respect. Your husband is a good man. You love him a lot. Even though you've cheated on him you haven't lost one ounce of the respect you've always had for him. Now it's time for you to let him know and show him just how much you really do respect him. He needs your respect more than you'll ever know – especially at a time like this when he feels that your past actions are showing a lack of that respect.

As you can see it is possible and not terribly difficult to get your ex back after cheating. If you really want to make the most of your marriage though you're going to have to take things one step further.

Watch this free video => http://www.getyourexbacknow.com/just_break_up3.html to learn what you MUST do next to save your marriage after cheating has thrown it for one serious loop.


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How to Properly Communicate in a Marriage

It is absolutely vital that couples learn how to safeguard and improve communication in a marriage, if they want to have a successful and happy marriage that lasts a lifetime. This communication needs to start well before the marriage vows are taken, as there needs to be some issues ironed out before a couple even get married or else they will find they're more difficult to address after marriage. How can you keep open communication in marriage and how can you improve it?



Communication in marriage means putting yourself in the other person's place and thinking about what they need to know and hear from you, and how your communication may affect them. We communicate in many different ways, not just talking. A look, a touch, and even our actions all communicate something. If you and your spouse talk about a particular budget and then you go out and buy something frivolous, you may be communicating that you don't really care about his or her feelings or about living up to your end of your agreements. Never underestimate the damage that this type of communication in marriage can do to a couple! You don't need to say hateful or hurtful words to actually hurt your spouse, so be mindful of this.



Understanding why your spouse may need to hear certain things from you can also greatly improve communication in marriage. You may resent needing to call if you're going to be late coming home from work, thinking that your spouse is checking up on you, but put yourself in his or her place. They may be wondering if you've been in an accident, or may be trying to plan their evening - should they stay home and wait for you, should they wait until you come home to eat dinner, should they just go out with their friends because you're going to be that late? By understanding why they appreciate this type of communication in marriage, you can then be more cooperative about addressing it.



If you notice that communication is lacking a bit in your marriage, ask yourself how you respond to your spouse's attempts to communicate. If you're very quick-tempered and impatient and have a tendency to fly off the handle over even little things, this makes for poor communication in marriage. Why would your spouse approach you and talk about anything if he or she knows your reaction is going to be so negative? You cannot blame your spouse for poor communication in the marriage if you yourself are making it difficult or nearly impossible to communicate at all!



It's important to keep open the lines of communication in marriage so that each spouse feels free to talk to the other one about anything, and to express their own particular needs and preferences. If you can't talk about the small things and refuse to respect your spouse's preferences when it comes to communication in the marriage, how will you ever talk and discuss and plan for the important things?



Also learn more about the definition of marriage and visit here to get more marriage tips: marriage 101

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So You've Been Betrayed - 7 Steps on How to Survive Betrayal

You’ve met the person who makes you feel so special. It feels wonderful to be in love and now you are married hoping that this relationship will last your life time. Years have gone by and marriage has been good to you - so you thought. You begin to notice some different behaviors from you spouse which at first you ignore. For awhile you begin to wonder if something is going on but you brush it off. After all, the last thing you could ever imagine is that your spouse is having an affair. You don’t even want to go there. You begin to piece some things together and your spouse denies everything until the day comes when your spouse gets caught in all their lies.

For those of us who have experienced situations like this, we know that betrayal runs deep and can be devastating. Trust has been torn apart and the unthinkable has just happened. You life has just been thrown into a tail spin and probably your anxiety is making you feel sick. You may even want to get back at your spouse for the pain and humiliation you are now going though. Possibly the only thing you can think of is how to get even so your partner will hurt as much as you do. Is it possible to heal from the pain and humiliation of betrayal and adultery? Is it possible to forgive someone who has hurt you so badly?

Betrayal happens to everyone at some point in our lives. Betrayal can occur with a spouse, a family member, a best friend or a co-worker. Most people who experience betrayal saw the signs, but continue to give that person the benefit of the doubt. The reality is that people will fail you. Only 25% of all betrayal occurs with absolutely no forewarning. This is by far the most difficult type of betrayal because it leaves you shell shocked and devastated.

Betrayal is an interpersonal trauma which shatters assumptions about how we view life and the people close to us. Shattered assumptions leave us feeling as though our reality has been blow apart. When we are betrayed our feelings alternate between a sense of numbness and feelings of disbelief. We may also find ourselves behaving erratically and not like our usual selves. We feel victimized and our lives seem to be out of control.

So how do we heal from being betrayed? We begin by developing the skills to deal with strong negative emotions and to talk more effectively about the impact the betrayal had. This may require setting appropriate boundaries with each other, learning how to deal with emotions effectively and expressing how you feel about the infidelity. Next you look at both the current and the developmental issues within yourselves and within your relationship that may have contributed to the affair. Usually both parties have an idea as to why the affair may have happened but they are often unaware of the deeper or unacknowledged needs or motives from their partner’s past history which may be impacting on current behaviors. Gaining this new understanding often results in an increase in compassion for the partner and tolerance of his or her flaws. Finally, as a couple begins to understand why the affair happened, they need to evaluate the viability of their relationship, the potential for change, and their commitment to work together. This is when the process of forgiveness becomes the focus of intervention. No matter if you choose to stay or leave, because of other circumstances you may always be in some form of relationship. Therefore it is important to heal the emotional rift between yourselves as best you can. This is why forgiveness is so important. Let’s now look at how you can heal from being betrayed.

Step 1: Face Your Feelings

While every situation is unique there are certain things that we can do to lessen the pain. Once the betrayal is revealed an emotional roller coaster ride begins. You more than likely will get swept up in an emotional whirlwind of anger, fear and a sense of loss. Realize that you are not going crazy. Others have experienced the same pain and confusion and have survived. Remember that you are not alone. I want to assure you that what you are experiencing is a normal and an appropriate response to an acutely traumatizing experience. You’re reeling not only from the loss of the integrity of your relationship, but also from the loss of an illusion – that you’re special to your partner, and that the intimacy you thought you shared with that person would last forever. In the face of such shattering news, it would be strange if you didn’t feel lost. This may seem paradoxical but once we acknowledge and walk through our pain, only then does the pain begin to dissipate. This is where a counselor can really help. Talking to someone who listens to you and can be supportive in a healthy way can help you sort out what needs to happen.

Step 2: Gain control of you Emotions

As you try to unscramble what has happened to you, both your thoughts and actions may spin out of control. You’re likely to become more obsessive, dwelling on your partner’s lies, the details of the betrayal and the events that led to it. You may become more compulsive at work and other things you do, pushing harder and more frenetically to diffuse your anxiety. These distractions may serve as a temporary antidote to feelings of anxiety or emptiness, but if you want to put yourself back together, you need to slow down, confront your pain, figure out why the affair happened, and decide what you want to do about it. Instead of hanging on to the “story” of your betrayal, give yourself permission to heal. Look beneath your emotional reactions and ask yourself, what are my emotions really telling me? What needs to change and what can I do to take those necessary steps. You can not change what has happened to you but you do need to take responsibility for how you are handling the situation now.

Step 3: Ask yourself “Should I stay or Leave?”

Once the betrayal is out in the open, you will need to decide whether to work on rebuilding your relationship or end it. You will need to confront your ambivalence about whether to stay or leave the relationship. Which ever route you take, you need to chose it deliberately and not act on your feelings alone. Feelings, no matter how intense, are based on assumptions that are often highly subjective and may prove to be unrealistic, not useful or untrue. What feels right to you now you may later regret as an impulsive and unprocessed response that can’t be easily reversed. By exploring your options, you will be able to make a thoughtful decision based on your circumstances and needs. “What can I expect from love?” “Should I trust my feelings?” “How can I tell if my partner is right for me?” These are just some of the questions to be asking yourself. A counselor can help you sort out your answers.

Two of your options will take you down a dead end. The first option is to stay together and never address why the betrayal happened or work to assure that it will never happen again. This is a ticket to disaster, creating a larger gulf between you leading to a life of quiet desperation.

The second option is for you to stay together, with at least one of you continuing to be unfaithful, only to have the other continually fighting depression and building up enormous rage. Needless to say this is a very unhealthy option built on a lot of dysfunction and clearly indicating a lack of self-love. In all my experience as a therapist working with couples, I have never known a prolonged affair to do anything but undermine a couple’s efforts to seriously address the intimacy defects in their relationship.

This leaves only two viable alternatives. One is the decision to accept what has just happened and make a commitment to work on improving your relationship. The blind spot here is for the hurt partner to go in denial about the relationship because of an unwarranted attachment to the spouse that makes you want to stay together, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship is. What the betrayed person falls to see is how unloving your partner has been toward you, how poorly you continue to be treated, and how nothing you do will change this.

The other alternative is to say goodbye and begin building separate lives. The danger for the unfaithful partner is that you may be drawn blindly to your lover and insist on being with this person no matter what. We may call it romantic love but in actuality it is an intense but unwarranted attachment that the unfaithful partner may feel towards their new lover. Unfortunately this kind of attachment is likely to make the unfaithful partner leave their spouse no matter how satisfying your life had been together.

Step 4: Learn from the Affair

So often we blame our partner for what goes wrong and fail to see the link between our personal, lifelong conflicts and the conflicts in our relationship – between the damage we carry within ourselves and the damage we experience as a couple. In attempting to assign responsibility for the infidelity, hurt partners tend to think, “You were screwing around with someone else. Don’t blame me.” Unfaithful partners tend to think, “You weren’t there for me; you drove me away.” Both of you are likely to insist on your own, perhaps self-serving, certainly contradictory and often oversimplified versions of the same conflict.

Instead of blaming yourself for your partners’ betrayal, appreciate your worth, know you are enough just as you are, and recognize that the betrayal had little to do with you. On the flip side, if you’re stuck in a cycle of intense anger and blame towards your partner, you need to decide if you can start to let go and rebuild your relationship, or if it’s time to walk away and move on. To help you decide whether to stay or go, it is helpful to understand the origins of the betrayal. Most people who cheat and/or betray in some other way suffer from low self-esteem. They may have a high need for acceptance and approval. If your partner fits this description, you need to decide if you can deal with and heal from the betrayal or if you need to leave your partner in order to recover. Either way, it’s essential to stop taking the betrayal personally. Instead, free yourself from the blame game, live in the present, and move forward with productive, positive thoughts.

Step 5: Restore Trust

One of the most devastating aspects of betrayal is the break down of trust. Once trust is broken it can be very difficult to rebuild it and it must be earned back. To restore trust actions speak louder than words. Feeling safe becomes paramount here. If the person who has been betrayed can not feel safe, trust can not be built. The betrayer needs to demonstrate with concrete actions that “I’m committed to you. You are safe with me.” The person who has been hurt needs to open up to the possibility of trusting again and reinforce the efforts of the other person. You can’t punish nor be cold and distant forever, or our partner will give up trying to reconnect. You need to tell your partner what you need to give this person a way back into your life.

When I speak of trust I am not only referring to the belief that your partner will remain faithful to you. I am also talking about the trust essential to you both, that if you venture back into the relationship, your partner will address your grievances and not leave you regretting your decision to recommit.

While it’s easy to fall into the betrayal trap of massive mistrust towards your partner moving forward, be aware that projecting your fears will not help you heal. If you plan to stay with your partner, you’ll need to focus on rebuilding trust. If you can’t forgive, then don’t waste time staying in the relationship and trying to make your partner pay for their past transgressions. Instead, give yourself the opportunity to pick up the pieces and start again. Start by learning to trust yourself and your life choices. Instead of focusing on your ex and the betrayal (not to mention past relationship disappointments that may be adding up to a mistrust in yourself right about now), think about all the amazing people in your life who you can trust, including yourself. Make a list of ten fantastic choices and decisions you’ve made in the last few years. Reflect on the people who have kept your confidences, honored their word, and stuck by your side. Soon, you’ll be slaying the beast of betrayal and going from victim to victor. Plus, by slowly and steadily rebuilding trust with your partner (or simply with yourself if you leave the relationship), you’re better able to let go of fear, doubt, and insecurity.

The process of restoring trust can take a lifetime, but this doesn’t mean you will have to struggle with trust issues on a daily basis. Your relationship is likely to feel fragile and tentative for several years after the affair is revealed, but during that time you can expect to experience many reassuring, joyous moments as well. Trust is delicate and can only be earned over time through commitment and continued effort. With trust comes the knowledge that “I can give myself to you knowing that you won’t harm me – that you’ll support me in what matters to me. I can open myself up to love you because I feel safe with you and valued by you.

Step 6: Find Forgiveness

Forgiveness is considered the highest form of love that we are capable of giving. If this is true it is no wonder that we have such a hard time forgiving someone who has betrayed us and even in forgiving ourselves. To aid us in learning how to forgive it is helpful to understand what forgiveness means and what it’s not. Forgiveness is a voluntary act in which you make a decision to see a situation differently. Forgiveness helps us change the way we think so instead of seeing a situation through the lens of anger, guilt or fear we see it through the eyes of compassion and understanding. Instead of getting stuck in your own emotional baggage you can now see the situation differently with greater wisdom and understanding. That’s forgiveness.

I like to think of forgiveness as the science of the heart, a discipline of discovering all the ways of being that will extend your love to the world and discarding all the ways that do not. It is the accomplishment of mastery over a wound. Forgiveness is a process through which an injured person first fights off, then embraces, then conquers a situation that has nearly destroyed him or her. On a deeper level forgiveness is about changing the way we think which includes embracing our humanity and spiritual nature and the humanity and spiritual nature of all human beings.

Forgiveness is not about pardoning. It is about our inner emotional release. Forgiveness is not condoning. We do not have to accept someone else’s behavior in order to forgive. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We can forgive someone, but it does not mean we have to reconcile. On a very practical level forgiveness is about lessening your own emotional burdens and healing the pain of your heart. Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook. It is about your own inner healing.

It takes a generous spirit to understand that people do not always hurt us because they choose to. Oftentimes, they have no more control over their actions than we, their victims, do. Only from our wisdom and compassion can we recognize that when people harm us, it is their weaknesses that compel them to act. People who attack us act out of fear to protect themselves. Fear drives us into a hard shell. It shuts the door on our capacity to understand, empathize, and love, while allowing distrust and enmity to guard against being touched from the outside world. To compensate for this perception, we often harden ourselves so that others cannot gain access to our inner selves or discover our shortcomings.

Forgiveness is a process that happens over time. Before we can truly forgive, we need to realize that forgiveness is about our inner healing and not necessarily about behavioral change. Until we totally understand that we may needlessly deal with resistance about forgiving someone. We heal by remembering, by brining back into our awareness everything we have kept hidden from ourselves. It takes time to bring these pieces together. This process begins by telling our story and validating our feelings and experiences. Only after time and being in a safe environment can we allow ourselves to feel and express our strong emotions and to explore the issues concerning our pain and circumstances. As we become more aware and accepting of all our emotions as valid messengers about our interaction in the world, we begin our healing. If we are holding onto something, we need to recognize that, despite any other person’s role in creating the situation, we are responsible for what we do with our hurt. Forgiveness is about accepting responsibility for our emotional reactions to our hurt.

What may be harder than forgiving your partner is forgiving yourself. No matter if you are the one who has been hurt or you are the one who has hurt looking within yourself and dealing with the guilt of the past is no easy process. Yet, if we do not do this kind of soul searching and inner work our outer world may be superficial at best. If you have been betrayed you may be blaming yourself too harshly for your partner’s betrayal. You may have contributed to your partner’s dissatisfaction for example by getting buried in your career or in the needs of your children. When you take a look at these issues and take responsibility for them you will be able to let go of your guilt and move on.

If you are the betrayer, you are solely responsible for your deception and need to forgive yourself for the harm you have caused by violating your covenant of trust. You may also need to look at the hurt you have caused your children. By taking responsibility for your actions and making different choices you heal guilt and move forward. Remember that holding on to your guilt is a choice too. Self-forgiveness doesn’t relieve your of responsibility for your words or actions, but it releases you from self-contempt. With self-forgiveness, you bring compassion and understanding of who you are and why you acted the way you did, and reclaim what you most value in yourself.

Step 7: Hope and Renewal

Sometimes you need to take something apart to rebuild it in a stronger, more lasting way. Erik Erikson, a well known psychologist has said, “A crisis can be a turning point; by making you vulnerable it can heighten your potential for positive change. Sometimes it takes the threat of losing something to make you realize its value. Until you feel compelled to leave, you may not realize you are happy where you are and want to stay. Carl Jung, a famous psychoanalyst also commented, “Seldom or never does a marriage develop smoothly and without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.”

And so it is with intimate relationships. We often enter into them blindly swept up with passion and an idealized perception of who our partner is. Most of us are totally unprepared for what lies ahead, and ignorant of what is required of us to stay the course. We may think that we know what it takes but the truth is that most of us are clueless. The affair shocks us into reality. It also gives us the opportunity to try again.

For further information please contact:

Dr. Eileen Borris
erborris@cox.net
480-951-0544


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How To Fix your Marriage without Professional Help

Marriages can have troubled times. Maybe it’s because of infidelity or the quiet drifting apart of a long term marriage – in any case, when your marriage is having tough times, you need help to make things right again. However, not everyone has the resources or the time to seek professional help. The good news is that you can fix your relationship without a therapist, though you might need a therapist in the future.

For now, you have each other

When you’re hitting a rough spot in your marriage, it’s time to talk about why you want to save the marriage first. Sit down with your partner and start to discuss things that are keeping your together and memories that remind you of better times. You might want to sit down with photo albums and journals to talk about the times when you used to laugh, when you used to be happy. Many times, this simple exercise can help to put your current problems into perspective and help to put you on a positive path to a healthy relationship.

Make a promise

Too many times, we are afraid to make promises to our partner because we’re afraid that we won’t be able to follow through, that we won’t be able to be perfect in everything we do. However, the truth is that no one is perfect – we can only try our best. If you’re in a hard spot with your marriage, you will want to make a promise to each other that you will do the best that you can to make things better between the both of you. Promise to do whatever it takes and that you will give all of your free time and attention to fixing whatever has been broken. And then stick to that promise.

Realize that you’re not going to be perfect

Even in therapy, couples aren’t perfect with rebuilding their relationship. Things go wrong, life can throw curve balls, and people can make mistakes – you will not always do everything right. But what matters is that you try to move toward doing what’s best for your relationship. To go into fixing your marriage, thinking that everything is going to be easy and without flaws is just not realistic. Try to do the best that you can, but forgive yourself and forgive your spouse when you’re not able to choose the right thing. It’s how you recover and learn from these mistakes that will make your marriage stronger in the end.

Set aside some time to work on your relationship

You will need to set up some time in which you can work through your problems and your issues. Much like traditional therapy, you might want to schedule in appointments with each other in order to have time to talk. Try to make this time as uninterruptible as possible so that you’re not distracted by anything else – so that you can focus on your marriage. You might want to set up time away from your living space in order to bring a new perspective to your discussions. Maybe heading out for a hike or to a spa for a day will help you both change your feelings about whatever you are talking about – and help you resolve it.

You don’t have to do what everyone else has done

Your relationship needs specific tools to be fixed, but the way that works for you might not be the way that works for everyone else. This is why communicating with each other is so important. When you’re able to talk honestly about your feelings and about your needs, you will be able to create plans that make sense for the way that you want things to work out. Your methods might not be ‘normal,’ but if they’re making your relationship happier and healthier, it only matters what works.

Get the tools

But there’s nothing stopping you from looking at the writings of therapists and other experienced authors. Bookstores have sections devoted to healing marriages and getting past any number of relationship battles. In a pinch, you can also head to the library for a free assortment of self help tools. The point is that you find something that works for you and your relationship, so it might take time to find the right book.

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Surviving A Long Distance Relationship: 7 Powerful Secrets To Rekindle the Love and Keep It Alive

All relationships take work. But a long-distance relationship is even more difficult and it can sometimes seem impossible to keep love alive when separated. But love can be a powerful motivator and, if you're dedicated enough, you can make a long-distance relationship work.

If your man is overseas, you may be concerned that his need for affection may lead him astray ' but with the right attitude and a little creativity, your long-distance relationship can be rewarding, exciting and romantic. You just have to work a little harder to keep the flame burning while you're apart.

1) Write love letters.

One of the best things about long-distance relationship is receiving ' and sending ' love letters and romantic poetry. Even relationships where a couple live in the same house can benefit from expressing feelings on paper, and it's even more special when there are miles between you.

So take advantage of the distance and craft a love poem for him that's as romantic as anything out of a Jane Austen novel. Handwrite a two-page letter, send a flirty text message or type out a romantic e-mail.

You don't have to embarrass yourself with gooey sentimentality, but the more detailed your love notes, the better. As long as you're sincere, you really can't go wrong.

2) Live in the present.

Instead of emphasizing the distance between the two of you, focus on the love you share every day, and how grateful you have each other to rely upon.

It's natural to plan for the future, but if you're always talking about how terrific it will be the next time you're together, you're not enjoying the present. Don't live for "someday" ' appreciate each other right now, even with the distance, and don't pin all your happiness on some far-off moment down the road.

3) Build trust.

If you show that you trust your partner, they will return the favor. Even couples who live together fear infidelity, so it can especially tough to trust that your partner overseas is being faithful.

But if both of you agreed to be true to each other while in separate cities, states or countries, or continents, then you should trust that neither of you will risk your love too easily.

So if you let him know you're confident in your relationship ' and reinforce that you're happy to wait for your partner ' the two of you will have more of a chance of succeeding.

4) Be careful with your words and tone of voice.

Because you aren't there to read his body language and facial expressions and feel his hug ' and vice versa ' pay extra attention to way you communicate.

If something you read strikes you the wrong way, ask him to clarify. Make sure that your own writing is clear. If you're having a tough day and the stress is creeping into your voice while you're on the phone, make sure to tell him why you're tense and that it's not because of him. It's easy to miscommunicate when you're not face-to-face, so head off any misunderstandings before they start.

5) Don't idealize your partner.

Lovers tend to idealize each other in long-distance relationships, building them up to be people they aren't.

It's natural to think highly of your partner, but don't have unrealistic expectations of how perfect your life will be when you're finally together again. You'll only be setting yourself up for a massive disappointment if you do.

6) Involve him in your everyday life.

It's important for him to feel connected to you. Tell him about even the most mundane details about your day, keep him up to date about your life.

Share gossip about the neighbors, tell him about a movie you saw, talk about the new software you're installing on the computer. Some long-distance couples will set their VCRs to record a movie or TV show so they can watch it together, chatting on Instant Messenger or on the phone while watching at the same time.

Having these special "dates" will keep the two of you close, just as sharing the most boring details of your life will keep you conncted as a couple.

7) Close the distance every now and then.

Even if you feel your long-distance relationship is going along just swimmingly, there's nothing like a planned or totally spontaneous get-together to spice things up.

Save up for a plane ticket and surprise your lover with a weekend visit. Sometimes you just need a little reminder of the physical connection you two have, not just the emotional one.

Your long-distance relationship can work ' even thrive ' with a little effort and creativity. Even if your partner is starting to feel a little distant, you can rekindle the love with a few romantic gestures and a lot of compassion.


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