Scarlet Letter: a Christian with AIDS

My Christian friend from NFO, Jen, emailed me when she found out about Tony, other than being sorry to hear it: "I really hope that this may be some sort of wake up call - you're too smart to do some of the stuff you do, and you have a lot of friends who worry about you...".

She knows, because I've talked with her a lot, that I've been far from a disciplined Christian when it comes to sex outside of marriage. She's a "born-again virgin," to her credit, vowing never to have sex again until marriage - so help her God!

The wake up call if TOO LATE, in one sense. After finding out that Tony had the dreaded disease, I thought it's more likely I would have it since I've been more "risky" than him (and we're only friends), so I went and got tested to play it safe (pun intended). Well, I was devastated yesterday morning to have the nice and pretty lady tell me that she "didn't have good news."

I've been diagnosed with HIV by the Eliza test and it's been backed up/confirmed by the European blot test. My first thought was where is the highest building to jump off of, as tears filled my eyes, and then I was in that dream state where this can't be happening, this is all unreal, I'm watching a movie, how will I tell mom and Kim and Lisa and everybody, why did I have to be so stupid? Why couldn't/didn't I stop sinning and live? As Cher sings, "If I could turn back time." But the woman tried to comfort me that whereas most people used to die within 2 years, now many are living up to 10 years without any symptoms. I also don't have any symptoms now.

She gave me all the information and numbers and places like David's House and MCO to help out people like me with no insurance (and now I'll NEVER be able to get any), all the information that I never wanted to hear or have to receive (probably like you now, sorry)....

I went and told mom in person, as Bob suggested, and she told Kim who cried with me on the phone, and they're going to tell Lisa. Of course, I could live a "normal" life and outlive everybody, one never knows. All I know is I prayed to God years ago, in my beloved Israel, that I wanted to be in His Kingdom NO MATTER WHAT - even if it took AIDS to help me get and stay straight. Well, it looks like God might let my body be destroyed to save my soul; or He'll let me have it, if He doesn't heal me (and He could), to keep me celibate (since He knows I won't go out and give it to others like some wicked people I know).

Mom said, "God hasn't let you live this long to let you die now." I just hate the selfishness of sin, how I've now hurt and affected my family, and then there's the STIGMA that a struggling Christian writer would have AIDS! But God promises everything works together for good, for those of us who are called according to His wonderful Purpose.

This is only my second day of "living with AIDS" and I'm already sick and tired of thinking and/or worrying about it. Of course I had another test done right then and there just in case, however unlikely, that they switched my blood tube with someone else's. Anyway, life goes on.

Shabbat Shalom,

Your bro,

David
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