Dealing With Infidelity - How To Talk About The Affair

Dealing with infidelity is hard, probably the hardest thing you have ever gone through. The feelings of anger caused by hurt and deception from someone you loved with your whole heart and soul is unbearable at times. There are days when you feel so angry and let down, but both you and your cheating spouse have decided that your marriage is worth saving and you both are willing to try and give it another chance. This raises a very important issue which needs to be resolved to everyone's satisfaction, and that is: "how are you going to deal with the gritty details of his affair?" Your marriage has a slim chance of surviving if this issue is not taken care of.

It is very difficult to not hurt or be haunted by unanswered questions after your spouse betrays you. Getting information out of your spouse maybe very hard. On the one hand, he may not want to tell you the truth for fear of putting you through more pain or he may just want to sweep all the dirt under the rug and hope you never bring it up ever again. If you want your marriage to have a fighting chance, both of you need to come to a consensus about the affair details such as:

- whether or not you are going to discuss these painful details

- and if yes, how are you going to handle the discussion

Humans are curious creatures, so it is only natural for you to want to get answers to questions like: "when did the affair happen, how long did it go on for, where did it happen," etc., if only to confirm certain suspicions. When dealing with infidelity, some injured spouses want only the big picture truths about the affair, while others want to know all the nitty gritty details. But is knowing specific intimate details going to help you heal?

You have to be careful here, because while knowing every detail of the intimacy between your spouse and his paramour can stop the guessing, wondering and speculation, you can also open yourself up to a lot of gut-wrenching, heart-rending pain and being haunted with images of the two of them together for a long time. However, it is so important to rebuild communication, integrity and trust that some of the details do need to be discussed. So here are a few things to consider:

-- As the injured spouse, you should be the one to decide how much, if any of the details you want to know.

-- Jot down any questions you want answered and mull over them for a few days to see if this is information that you really want to know and that you need in order to heal and move forward.

-- Set guidelines in advance with your spouse about the type of information that you want him to share with you.

Dealing with infidelity and deciding whether or not to talk about the affair must truly be a personal decision made after a lot of thought. Because sometimes the details of how deeply the person you love and respect more than anyone else in the world has betrayed you can be to much to bear. Knowing all the details can prove to be double-edged sword, so weigh both sides before asking the questions. Ask yourself: "Would knowing all of the intimate details help with the healing and allow you to put this affair in your past and start to build a better future?
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